Caught

Tonight I was caught in my sorrow...Ben opened the door to the bedroom...and he caught me looking at a picture of Susan...sobbing.

He came to me...rubbed up next to me to show he cared...then scurried off to show he was scared.

You see...he wants me to get better...he wants me not to cry...he wants me to be okay.

To him my tears suggest that I'm not alright.  To me...they say I miss her...I love her.

How can I explain to a four year old that I am okay...just broken...and trying to heal.  He is better most of the time...and right now...I can only feel better some of the time.

So lately...against my better judgement...I have taken to hiding my sorrow...from my boys...from my family...from my friends...because they want me to be okay...to be better.  I feel like I'm playing this con game...where I hide my emotions...for the benefit of others.  If I can just fake my way through one more day...they can sleep better tonight.

I felt this way posting pictures of the boys on facebook today.  I was attempting to say, "see...we're okay...don't worry."  In the pictures the boys are laughing, playing, joking...and occasionally I make a cameo in these photos.  I didn't stage this happiness...it's there...it's real...I feel it...I'm a part of it.  But I also still feel my grief...and I'm starting to be scared to show it...so I hide it...and fake my way through it.

Don't get me wrong...I'm working my ass off at being their Dad...at trying to make things better for them...at helping them grieve...at making sure their only living parent has some life left in him.  In fact, even though I have come to loathe the word better...I am getting better...slowly...having more fun...finding some happiness.

In my mind though...it's okay for me to still be sad...to still be heartbroken...to still be hurting...to still be crying while I'm trying to work my way through this.  Those emotions should not cloud the fact that I am gradually recovering.

My wife died...my life has forever changed...my boys lost their mother.  This is what I think about everyday...all day.  So my sorrow isn't just going to go away...it won't just disappear...it doesn't suddenly vanish one day.  It will fade...burn out...wash away...but a part of it will always stay.

I'm starting to believe sorrow leaves gradually like the seasons...we never jump from January to June.  We gradually fade from Winter...into Spring...into Summer.  My sorrow is still fading in this way.  I am approaching okay...better...and maybe one day...even good. But I can't make snow melt any faster...or my recovery any quicker.

Eventually I will be better...but until then I will still cry...and that's okay.