Details

Conversations go on all around me.


Sometimes with me...

Sometimes near me...

Sometimes behind me...

Sometimes in the distance...


But I have great ears.


At soccer games...

At the store...

At work...

On my driveway...


I hear voices consumed with details.


Small worries...

Small concerns...

And small problems...


That could be...

And should be...


Easily dismissed...

Easily ignored...

Or easily fixed...


Six months ago I was part of that anxiety trap...

Complaining about whatever turned over my apple cart.


I didn't know any better...

I was naive about anguish...

I was ignorant about pain...


But my life has changed...

My perspective has shifted...

Tragedy has a way of doing that...


No longer is my mind fragmented...

With thousands of small concerns.

My head has split into three...The Boys...Susan...and Me...


Perhaps that's how it should have been all along.

Did I squander away my life before with details?


Concerns that never materialized?

Worries that never came to fruition?

Thoughts that had no impact on my life?


Now all I think about...

All I can think about...


Is how to help my boys...

How to keep Susan in our minds...

And how to be the person I want to be...


All of those questions are layered...

But my objective has narrowed...


I simply can't exhaust myself with triviality...

Insignificant  details hold no weight...

My life is already too heavy.

Instead

I should be in bed...

But I'm here instead...

Thoughts racing through my head...

Ingrid Michaelson- Be ok (with lyrics)

Too Long

It's been too long since I have seen that smile...

Last Thing I Remember

Six months ago tonight...we spent our last night together.

No idea how we fell asleep...but it was late.  

Talking...laughing...touching...under the sheets.    

Maybe she drifted first...or perhaps it was me.  

But the last thing I remember was being in love...

So content to be interwoven...legs tangled...arms encircled...lips whispering...

Waking was easy for the last time.

Dreaming as my eyes opened and floated to her face.

Stroking her hair and caressing her cheek as I stared.

But the last thing I remember was feeling blessed...

So thankful to be connected...minds linked...souls shared...hearts adoring....

Dressed I unknowingly said my final goodbye.

Slipping out of sleep as I kissed her brow.

Raising her arm for one last kiss.

But the last thing I remember is walking down the stairs a lucky man...

So grateful to be together...hopes shared...dreams planned...futures waiting... 

Tomorrow

I'm scared.

Afraid of the first day.


Tomorrow I meet my students.

Will I be who I was?


I've only wanted three things in life.

To be a husband.

To be a father.

To be a teacher.


I was robbed of the first.

Scared to lose the rest.


Everyday I struggle to be the man I was.

Will I face the same battle tomorrow?

Cards

My life was a game of Hearts...

Now I play Solitaire...

Observer

I'm a big looker...an observer...especially as I drive.

I stare into other people's cars...

Trying to figure out their story...their lives...

What makes them smile or scowl...

As they sit alone.


Now as I drive...I often wonder...if someone...somewhere...is doing the same to me.


Can they guess my story?

By my expression...

As I stare into space...

By my exasperation...

As tears run down my face...

The Bridge

The break down came again tonight.


I held it off all day, but I should know better by now.  


Who am I trying to fool?  Certainly not myself.  


This sadness has become like an unwanted partner...always trailing me...sneaking up on me...sinking into me...crawling on my skin...absorbing into my mind.  


I hate it, but I can't shake it.  


It feels like it's here to stay.


Why won't it simply go away?  


I don't look for it or seek it out...but I always sense it's near.


Today was a day when I knew it was coming.


But that didn't stop me from trying to ignore it...trying to duck it...trying to play stupid as I felt it gaining on me.   

All day I felt sort of numb...lost...and clouded over.  

It was a lonely heartache...almost like a weight on my chest...as if I was carrying sadness in my lungs. 


So what's so special about today...about tonight? 


Why did I know?  


Because the boys start school tomorrow...Benny goes to Kindergarten.  


Susan was so anxious and hesitant about this day...the day before her baby become a Kindergartner.  


She should be here feeling this with me right now...but she's not...and I'm forced to feel it alone...and try to experience it for two.


You see...Sue and I are nothing, if not sentimental...and this day...this night for Susan...represented a bridge Benny would cross into another part of his life...one Susan will never know...and one Ben will never know with her.


I remember the emotions she had about Luke when he arrived at this day...and I know how she felt about Ben someday following Luke into adolescence...into a time where he would begin losing some of his innocence.


If only I could see her...and talk with her about our little boy.  


But I can't...that I'm not allowed. 


So I'm left here...to try and play it out in my head...to meet today...tonight...and tomorrow on my own.

Hey Man - Eels WITH LYRICS

To all my widowed friends who know what it's like to fall on the floor and cry our guts out until we've got no more...maybe someday we will see the sun rise over the hill and it will give us a thrill...

Pictures

Pictures of Susan...

These are the same images that have hung on our walls forever...they've always been up.

They've been in the same place for the last six months...but suddenly...I'm noticing them.

They are catching my eye...catching me off guard...in moments of peace...that quickly turn to moments of grief.

I see these pictures from angles I haven't before.

They sneak up on me as I turn a corner...or pick up a sock...or catch my reflection in a mirror.

They leave me longing...to go back in time...when I was next to her...when I was holding her...when we were a family of four.

So what do I do?

Take them down...so I don't hurt...so I don't ache.

Remove all sight of my love?

Or just continue to meet the pain each day...as each photo catches me.

Will I move past this?

Will I begin to feel joy in those images again...instead of holding sadness in my heart?

Stayed True

Where would I be right now...

If all my dreams had stayed true...

My Life

Someone the other day...

Suggested I'm writing a book...

I laughed...

Because I'm writing for my life...

Monday

Monday morning started with Ben in tears.  


Nothing hurts like seeing your child ache...long...and cry...for his mother.  And there was nothing I could do...but hold him and say...I miss her too...


And I do...but the difference is...he eventually went on with his day...and I couldn't.  The pain of losing Susan strikes particularly deep on certain days...and Monday was one of those days.


Ben's tears started after Luke told him his birthday was only a day away.  Instantly I could see the pain hit him...he knew...I want Mommy to be at my Birthday.  Then it struck me...and it lasted all day.


I was able to control my sorrow for most of the day...so I could function...so I could get us through the day.   I tried to stay busy...I tried to evade the pain...push it aside...sweep it under the carpet. But it was still there...and eventually...I knew it would emerge.


Before dinner...I found myself in the basement...trying to avoid it...by organizing.  But there was too much of Susan in those piles...every time I tried to sort things...another memory surfaced...and tears rolled down my face.  


So I moved to an area that would not be interwoven with memories of Susan...the boxes and bins of hand me down clothes the boys had received from their cousins.  


I began making Goodwill bags out of all the clothes the boys would never wear.  One pile to keep...one pile to donate.  It worked for awhile.  The tears dried...and I was together enough to cook a good meal for the boys...and smile a bit at dinner.


After we finished eating...the rain started...and there was no outside for us to escape to on a Monday night.  The boys played in the basement...and I decided to continue my avoidance with the boxes of hand me downs...that's when I came upon some bins with her handwriting....0-3 months...3-6 months...6-9 months...9-12 months...the boys' old clothes.


I opened the bins...one by one.  


Memories flooded my head...and I began to drown in my own tears.  Every shirt...bib... and set of pajamas...held a memory...a time that only Susan and I had shared with one of the boys.  


Stories and moments filled my mind.  But now I held all those memories alone...never to laugh with her about them again.  No one else could possibly understand the joy that happened when my boys wore those clothes.  


It was shocking and heartbreaking to realize that no other person on this earth...could understand the importance of Luke's stained light blue onesie...beacuse they weren't there...when Luke laughed for the first time. 


So the tears rolled...and the sobbing started...and the boys came.  They touched me...and held my face.  Luke wrapped himself around me...as if he was trying to pull the pain out of me...but I just wailed.  It was all too much...I wanted her back...I needed her.


Eventually...I melted into Luke's lap on the basement stairs...and he stroked my head as I bawled. 

I had no idea a human being could cry for an hour...but I did.  At one point I knew I needed help.  I had to be with someone...or talk to someone.  I had to be understood.  

I stood with the phone in my hand...and had no idea who to call.  I wasn't sure I could put what was happening to me into words.  I didn't think anyone could understand...and all I wanted was to be understood...and I was just too tired to explain.

So I hung up the phone...and went it alone.  I pulled myself together...and gave the boys a shower.  I brushed their teeth...and put them in pajamas.

Then I put them in bed...and fell down beside them.  I laid there...thinking...and wishing...and cursing...until I fell asleep.

There are moments when I feel hope...and think that the boys and I will eventually be okay...but on days like Monday...I feel hopeless...and alone.

What I've Learned

My world...

At any second...

Could be a memory...

Unfamiliar Life

I've collected all my thoughts...

But I won't hide them in boxes...


I have to be true and honest...

Because that's what this life causes...


Everything around me looks the same...

But I can feel my distance...


I cry at past images...

Because they lack their old brilliance...


I turn my head and look around...

But what else can I do...


I resist this unfamiliar life...

Because I never asked for anything new...

Morning Break

In the first moments when I awake...

When I begin to break from dreams...


In my mind she is still living...


Split seconds in the morning...

In my head....


Where my day and her blend...


As I fight off last night's sleep...

I catch myself wondering how she will fit into today...


Then I realize she is gone...


The feeling is devastating...

It leaves me shaking...


But I meet it every morning...


As I lay awake...

Wishing...

Couch

I'm sitting on the couch right now...
In my spot...
And hers is empty...

Minutia

I miss sharing the minutia of my life...


Those intimate moments that only a partner can understand...

How work was...

How the boys are changing...

Those little rituals that only we did together...

Jokes that make sense to no one else....

Even aggravations that seem so silly now...


I miss my Susan...

I Caught Myself

Some days I truly realize this blog is just for me.

When I write...I'm forced to think.  And the more I thought about Caught...the more I realized the sorrow I was "caught" in...came about because I was so ashamed about living.

I'm not hiding my grief...I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm starting to live again...without her.

I felt alive this week...on vacation...with my boys in Colorado.  We played...laughed....smiled...and enjoyed ourselves.  But with every moment of peace...comes a moment of shame.  If there has ever been a double-edged sword...surely I am living it.

When do I get to live again...without feeling like I'm betraying her...like I'm moving on without her?

This was not my choice...but it is my future.

How do I move forward...when all I want is my past?