Wednesday, May 4, 2011

What He Feels?

So that's the big has become the elephant in the room.  How does he feel?  There aren't words...I have attempted to express it through music...not sure anyone understands that.  Words alone can't grab the feeling...the words need a rhythm, a beat, a tone, a feelings are more compelling than words alone right now...I believe this is because my love for Susan was so powerful as well.

I read a book recently on equates grieving to essence grief is now my expression of love for Susan.  When I want to reach out and hold sorrow is as strong at that moment as my yearning to touch her.  My love for her is so deep and multifaceted, and so is my pain.  My love for Susan brought me extreme joy and secondary pleasures, now I'm filled with extreme pain and secondary losses.

What is a secondary loss?  Recently I quoted a song lyric to a friend that I felt represented how I was feeling.  

My life has been extraordinary
Blessed and cursed and won
Time heals but I'm forever broken

My friend said I was still blessed...she said think of the blessings in your life at this moment...your kids, your friends, a job you love.  This is all true, but there are secondary losses there...because of Susan's death all these blessings are compromised.  Everything that brought me joy in my life was connected with Susan.  It's amazing how much she is interwoven into the threads of my being.  My boys still bring me joy, but their smiles have changed...their laugh is a little weaker...their eyes a little deeper.  My friends and family surround me, but  our relationships feel strained...all they want is to help me, but I'm helpless...there is nothing they can do to ease this pain.  How do you explain to someone that there is nothing they can do?  

I guess it comes full circle to the question everyone has...How does he feel?

Not in his mind
Don't know what he feels
Think I understand
But know I don't
Wish I could
At the same time
Glad I can't

~ Poem I wrote for a friend years it applies to me...

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