Handwriting...one of the hardest things I've dealt with in this journey.
Never did I realize the expression, the mood, the love in a person's handwriting. I can tell exactly how she felt when she wrote each note...what she meant that wasn't written. How much love she had for me or how annoyed she was with me. I can see her face as she writes, even though I wasn't there at the time.
Not sure how healthy it is, but I have surrounded myself with her writing. If she wrote it...I kept it. Frantically I have searched pockets, drawers, closets, books, folders, bins...just to hold another piece of her near my heart...to feel connected...
During the first days after Susan's death, I went through our kitchen. Each pile, each drawer. The kitchen was her headquarters...she was everywhere in that kitchen and I needed to find her so badly. I know family and friends thought I was nuts organizing her domain...but it wasn't about being neat...it was about finding her...I was trying to bring her back...
I still try on some days to bring her back by finding new bits of paper. Somewhere around week four, the discoveries slowed down...I think that's when reality started sinking in. When I flipped our calendar from March to April...her daily messages were gone. If you knew Susan, you knew that her calendar was her lifeblood. Seeing those blank squares made me feel she had died again.
Each day I hope for a new discovery...a new chance to have her close to me...
I will hold tightly to a note I found in our car...she never gave it to me...I don't know when it was written or why. It was in a little planner she kept in the car. Between pages of scribbled errands and directions, I found this...
To be your friend was all I could have ever wanted.
To be your wife is all I could have ever dreamed.
I am glad you are my husband,
and I love that we are friends.
Sean, this really spoke to me. It makes perfect sense to want to surround yourself with things that Susan wrote, touched, handled. I'm so glad you found that note-what a beautiful piece of writing that expressed her thoughts about you. Hold on tight to whatever you need. Thinking of you,
ReplyDeleteBridget
Just spent time reading your words - again and again - real and beautifully put - all of the posts. Thank you for deciding to share. It will help to feel connected to you through your writiing and perhaps guide a conversation or support how I can be a better friend to you. The poise and strength in your actions and words these last weeks is remarkable to me. I'm blessed you allow us witness your love, anger, fear, hopes. I'll guard your gift of insight dearly. You are an incredible teacher.
ReplyDeleteMarc
Hi there, I'll get your blog on my blogroll the next time I update it. It's kind of a huge job. So sorry for your loss -- subscribed and will keep following you.
ReplyDeleteHave you connected with others yet? You might like my community site... WidowedVillage.org. We have a good cluster of Dads around your age, you might like to meet them.
HUG.
Supa