God's Plan

I have moved from thinking she's coming back...to wondering where she is.

Before Susan's death...I had an acceptable notion of Heaven and the afterlife...one that met my needs at the time.  It seemed rational for grandparents, uncles and even some friends to have gone to "a better place."  My mind never questioned the existence of someone after death...as a spirit...a ghost...I didn't know.  I just accepted that they were somewhere...better...and happy.  Maybe even looking down on me...guiding...smiling...enjoying my life.

Where did this notion come from?  Was I spoon fed it as a child?  Was it an easy answer...less messy than thinking?

My mind no longer runs that same course...it seems impossible to believe that any longer. Susan's death should not be explained away with platitudes and antidotes...it can't be that easy...that simple.  I question those who think as I used to...and those who constantly refer to God's plan.  Have they lost someone...so close...so early...so unfairly...and without warning?

As we age and go through the cycle of our lives...we know that death is ahead.  When people are old or sick or suffering, perhaps these revelations make sense.  But for a young family to be struck...for a mother to be ripped from her boys...for a woman to be stripped of her dreams?  How could she be happy...or in a better place now?  Her place was with us...she was happy with her boys...with me.

Susan was the heart of our family...the love of my life...I just can't take that leap of faith anymore.  I see the pain in my boys and I can feel it rush through my veins.  If there is someplace else...I know she is feeling much the same.  How is that better...how is that happy?

Many think I have never believed in God, but that is not true.  I believe in a higher being, but not a organized religion that glosses over my questions...with rote answers...meant to pacify...meant to explain her death away.  The problem for me is not accepting that there is a God, but believing a God could be so cruel...so randomly or purposefully cruel as to destroy those that are so innocent and true.

I've seen it happen to others, but because of distance...I could sweep it aside...brush it from my mind and accept it without thought...and just go on faith.  Now death is different.  It is real...it is harsh.  It stole my love, my partner, the mother of my children.

In my mind many questions arise...contentions I should have had long ago...when friends suffered as I do now.  But it was simpler...easier...to let my faith cast them aside and accept that not everything is meant to be explained.

Surely I will be judged for these thoughts I have written tonight...but only by those who have not been forced to comprehend them...to endure them...to answer them.