Although my blog may not show it...I do have small moments of peace...little happy reminders of Susan...that I see in the boys...and even in myself at times.
Today...I heard her and saw her in my little Benny Boy. We were in the Kingdom of Darkness at the Omaha Zoo. I know...ironic...and dramatic...but true.
Of course...Ben saw something that Luke and I had missed. You see...Sue called Ben The Finder...because he has a way off seeing what others overlook.
What he saw in the pitch black...was a frog sitting on a snake's back. He turned and pointed and said, "How awesome is that?" These were words right out of Susan's mouth...a phrase she spoke at least once a day...but I hadn't heard in months.
His face...his body language...the way he held his hand on his hip...all Sue. I smiled to myself because only I knew what had happened. They ran off to the next exhibit...I followed behind...a flurry of confused emotions. Part delighted...part discouraged...but all the time knowing...I had to follow them...and try to move ahead.
This is all so fresh...my reality still cuts deep. I know in time the pain will diminish...my wounds will begin to heal slowly...but I also know...never completely. I will always hold a scar...in my heart...in my psyche...a reminder of what could have...and what should have been.
This blog helps me...and to my amazement...it seems to be helping others too. But I fear that those who have not been thrown into these waters...believe I'm drowning. In reality...I'm learning to swim again...and this requires some sinking. I have found that at this point in my grief...my thoughts are not all that different from others who have been pushed into the undercurrent...who have had to face the death of a spouse...the changing of their life...the loss of what made them feel blessed.
I think it's hard for others to understand how long this will take. I never could have comprehended this sorrow five months ago.
As the shock and denial have worn off...my reality has set in...I have been taken to an extremely dark place in my life. My mind and body shielded me the first few months, but that armor is gone.
I understand where I'm going... and I may still have to sink before I begin to climb. But I will...for my boys...for Susan...and for me.
Hi Sean- I too can understand all that you are feeling. My husband passed away suddenly on our family vacation to Mexico. We have two daughters 7 and 9. Way too young to have to learn this lesson of life. I also feel too young to have to live my life without the love of my life. I keep repeating in my mind I am only 37 and Brian was only 44. So many dreams and plans, now can no longer be. I read your blogs and they bring me comfort and at times relief knowing what I feel is what others feel too. It will 3 months on Sunday and to me it feels like three years at times. My numbness and denial is wearing off and now I feel the reality of not having my husband and best friend here. I love seeing parts of my husband in our girls. It brings me comfort to know he is in a small way still with us! Thanks for your blogs. They help me tremendously! I hope my sharing helps you in some small way too! God bless!
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I am glad to see this, I would go back and read my older posts and think someone who doesn't see me regularly, or know what I am going through may think I am not doing well. But it is hard to write a positive post where you write to cope with your grief. I think when I am having a hard time it is the numbness wearing off. I am glad writing has helped you, I have found it is such a help to me.
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