Some days I truly realize this blog is just for me.
When I write...I'm forced to think. And the more I thought about Caught...the more I realized the sorrow I was "caught" in...came about because I was so ashamed about living.
I'm not hiding my grief...I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm starting to live again...without her.
I felt alive this week...on vacation...with my boys in Colorado. We played...laughed....smiled...and enjoyed ourselves. But with every moment of peace...comes a moment of shame. If there has ever been a double-edged sword...surely I am living it.
When do I get to live again...without feeling like I'm betraying her...like I'm moving on without her?
This was not my choice...but it is my future.
How do I move forward...when all I want is my past?
Sean - please don't be ashamed to be living, laughing and enjoying the boys. I LOVE seeing you smile again. I LOVE when you play basketball in my driveway. I LOVE when you raz my kids about things again. Susan would want you to go on. You will always love her and you will always miss her. I still have my moments when I cry and sob and miss her. I know I speak for everyone here in Ashby -- we LOVE seeing glimpes of you coming back to us!!
ReplyDeleteKim
I have found that is exactly how I feel about my writing... I can vent, which forces me to examine my emotions, and I realize where I truly am in the process. I think it takes time to not feel guilty for getting "on" with life in a way, I think I am okay and then something happens where I wish I could tell him, or I think he would have liked something and it hits me all over again... Those brief glimpses of "normalcy" I have finally realized what gives me hope.
ReplyDeleteWWWSW -- What would Susan want?
ReplyDeleteI Agree WWSW, but I really think she'd be in the same position you are. She loves you and the boys more than anything, anyone. Sharon
ReplyDeleteSean,
ReplyDeleteYou deserve to find happiness wherever and however you can. Susan would want nothing less than that for you. It is obvious from your posts that you are facing the biggest challenge of your life with honesty and integrity. Your boys are so blessed to have you. Try not to be so hard on yourself; there is no right way to grieve and no timetable to follow. Do what feels best for you and for your boys. Thinking of you often, Nicole
Your so right about this, were forced to live this life even tho we dont want to. Stay Strong, Rita
ReplyDelete