Friday, June 24, 2011


I feel like I've crossed a Threshold...the pain is different now.   In the beginning I had the security of being numb...that's gone.  Reality shows it's face more often...the awe has worn down...not away, but down.

The shock froze me in the first was kept me paralyzed.  Slowly it has thawed...and with it the magical thinking of her returning and my denial have melted away. I'm left now with the absoluteness of her death.  She's gone...not for a run...not for work...not for the day...not for the night...forever.

There won't be another touch...another smile...another glance...another whisper...another shared moment.

I'm much more aware of her absence...I feel the pain more intensely can't be denied any longer.

The shock was a protection.  I was feeling sorrow for longer periods in the beginning, but not with this intensity...because I was numb.

The pain was a mile long and an inch it's a inch long and a mile deep.  I have longer breaks between grief waves, but now they strike like a tsunami...quick and powerful and devastating.

Some days I'm still provided with the blissful ignorance of shock.  It happens for short moments...second long snapshots...where I think I hear her...or something happens and I can't wait to tell her.

But in the end...I'm left with my memories...and the confusion of this new life I'm trying to accept...trying to understand...trying to make work.  Someday it will feel different...but not today.

1 comment:

  1. I get this feeling Sean, I thought I was doing okay for the first two months after Danny passed away but now I am hit my such waves of emotional it is unexplainable, I do not think I have ever cried this much in my life. At first I thought it was all just a bad dream that I would wake up from and then all of a sudden I realized I am not waking up from a nightmare,this is my new reality. Thinking of you always