Last Picture

Clown Day at Preschool...We stayed up late on Thursday night making a clown costume for him.   Together...a team...her and me. It's what we did...what I always thought we would do together.

I guess he liked it...never got to see his reaction in person...gone to work by the time he awoke.  I hated missing things like that.

Susan was always good about trying to make me feel like I was there when I couldn't be.  She sent me this picture...last e-mail I got.  I just replied...Thanks that made me smile so big.   

Just like she made him smile in this last photo.  It's hard to look at this...to realize she is making him laugh because she is full of life...and hours later he will be crying because she's not.

I stare at it and wonder what she was saying.  I would give anything to have that one last full day with her...to know what happened. How she spent it...who she talked to...what she said.

Anything to understand her day.  But what I have is this final photo on our camera, some fuzzy memories of a four and six year old and a few e-mails she sent...all happy...all funny...all her.

It's ironic, but on that Thursday night we sat in bed and talked for about an hour before we fell asleep.  We talked about how I needed to get up for work earlier...she was tired of me rushing in the morning.  I kept explaining that I just loved the feeling of waking up next to her...how our feet and legs tangled together as we both shook off sleep.  But I promised I would try to be better.

That morning I woke twenty minutes early...so early she was still in the haze of sleep.  I kissed her three times...said I love you...and left as she rolled over.  I know she heard, but I wish I had that twenty minutes back...I would have said so much more...