Do you stare when you walk by my house or is your head down? This is what I face everyday. The pity eyes or no eyes at all. I know...you can't win, but neither can I. Everything is awkward now...I hate it...and so do you. Sorry...we have to get past it. The only solution is time. Which sucks because there is nothing we can do, but wait. There is no date we can circle on a calendar. Hopefully you won't abandon me before the time comes.
Today I ate lunch with Luke at school for his birthday. A lunch mom kept looking at me...three months ago that look would have made me think...."hmm, she thinks I'm kind of cute"...you know the look...doesn't want to make eye contact...keeps looking down, but constantly glances up. Now it's totally different...I know what she was thinking..."there he is...the man that lost his wife...poor man." So that sucks...I went from being cute to being pitied.
When I pick up my preschooler on Fridays, we have to go into the room. Me and the Moms. They separate from me like oil and vinegar. It's almost like they think they are going to catch "death" from me. They pity me too. I've gone from being a confident adult to a pitiful widower. How do I react to that? People want to know how to help me...remember that I'm still me.
If you see me soon, know I'm hurting...know that no words can change that...know that I might cry at any moment...know that I want to talk about Susan. She is part of me forever, that won't ever change...I don't want it to change. Just be my friend...
Sean as I read through your blog you have created for Susan, this one stands out the most. People seem to want to avoid me like the plaque these days, do not want to talk to me about Danny. When people walk by the house I see the same stares or they do not look at all. I actually said to a group of people the other day at a baseball game that people seem to not know how to act around me anymore and that I am okay I have good and bad days but most of all I still want to talk about my son. Thinking of you always.
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Your blogs are beautifully written and expressive. I hope you change your thought when the moms 'separate' from you and think, 'they are worried to get too close because you are so darn cute!.' :)
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