It's sitting in tupperware on our counter...it's May. I can't throw it away. I don't know if I will. Maybe I won't...
How long do I keep that container of old popcorn? Why am I keeping it? What happens if I throw it away?
Her slippers are still next to our bed...as if she's going to wake up...slip them on...and kiss me once again.
But I know she can't. Do I move them? Put them away? Tuck them under our bed? I'm not sure I can...maybe I won't...
When do I stop ignoring her sink? I could use it, but I don't...maybe I won't...
I could put away her toothbrush, her hair brush, her face scrub. I haven't...maybe I won't...
The walls need to be patched and painted again this summer.
We talked about it... They need to be fixed. Will I? Can I? Maybe I won't...
When will I stop saying "we"..."our"..."us"? Not sure I can...maybe I won't...
I'm so scared to change anything...but everything is forever changed...
My life, my perspective, my beliefs....my Sue...
What am I scared will happen? What am I holding on to?
Will she come back if I keep everything the same? Will I forget her if I move a picture frame?
Will my love be altered without her earrings on our nightstand? Or by taking off my wedding band?
The amount of guilt I feel about her dying and me living...is all encompassing...
We did nothing to make this happen...she did not deserve to die...
We were handed this and now...I'm scared to live...scared to grow...scared to change.
Will I? I'm worried that maybe I won't...
The clothing my husband last wore is still hanging on the top of his closet door right where he left them 2/10/11. I often put my face in his shirt and inhale deeply as if it's possible to fill myself up with any bit of him that he may have left behind. I've yelled at the clothes, cried into the clothes, told the clothes how much I love him, begged the clothes to please come back ~ as if he's still inside those clothes....*sigh*...I can't imagine not having them there.
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