Please...

To be my friend...

Please accept me where I'm at...it may not be where you believe I should be...but to be my friend you will have to meet me where I'm at.  You cannot mend me with words or gestures. Please don't misunderstand, they are needed and appreciated.  But do not expect them to lead to miraculous changes...there is no cure for losing Susan.  I'm not sick, or depressed...there is no pill or medicine that will make it all better.  I can't be diagnosed and healed.  This is a journey...something that I have to move through.  I'm grieving and it hurts...please don't expect it not to.  Please don't set limits or values on my grief...there is no way of knowing how long this will take...I'm grieving as fast as I can.

Please be conscious of my fears...regardless of how irrational they seem.  My life is no longer the same...I'm not the Sean I was three months ago.  I'm insecure.  My confidence is gone...my beliefs are shattered.  Susan was taken from me so quickly that I now understand how fragile life is...in a way you may not.  My perspective is darker.  I can't change that right now...please don't think you can.  Stand by me and be there...as I try to change it...as I discover the new me...as I try to grow.  Because I will surely stumble...and I may not always be able to get up on my own.

Please don't avoid Susan in conversations...I don't...I can't...I won't.  Talk about her...she is a part of me.  I love her...and love is the one word that I will never use in the past tense...I will always love Susan.  Her death does not erase her existence...her impact on my life. Mentioning Susan does not bring me pain...the pain is already here.  But please don't run if I cry...it's only because I miss her...not because you talked of her.  If talking about her is too much for you...then just listen when I ramble.  Conversations are not reminders of her death to me...they are reminders of my life with her.  Nothing you say will make it worse...nothing you say will make it better...just know that.

Please know that there are things I am not ready to hear.  I know I should be eating more...and drinking less.  I know I should be sleeping more...and worrying less.  I'm grieving, not stupid.  Please don't offer me permission to be myself again.  Only I can allow myself this...when I come to terms with it...not when you do.  Please don't tell me I should have fun again...or going out for a drink would be good for me... or that being back at work will help.  Don't tell me I'm strong.   Instead you can simply say...I'm sorry...or that you don't know what to say, but want me to know you care.  Invite me out, but please don't be surprised if I'm not ready.  Just be ready when I am.  Please don't abandon me.

Please understand that I am mourning not just Susan, but our life together...my life.  My future has forever been shifted.  My expectations...my plans...nullified.  Our dreams have been extinguished...lost is the passion I had for living.  This is hard for me to reconcile... It makes me feel lost, helpless, pessimistic...hopefully one day this will change.  But that day may be farther off then you expect..then you want.  You can't bring it closer by saying...it will be better someday...or eventually you will be happy...you can't possibly know that.  We built a life together that was taken away from me.  We did not choose this...so coming to terms with it will take time...please allow me this time.

Please understand I need to feel you care about me...even when I make it difficult.  Please realize I'm aware of how much I am asking of you...for you to lay down your judgements while I am allowed to keep mine.  Eventually I will trust you more...please just keep trying. Please believe in my ability to work through my grief...in my own way...in my own time.  I will not always be grieving as deeply as I am now.  But know I will never forget Susan...and never completely heal.  My hope is to find a balance...some harmony...between my life with Susan and my new reality.  To mesh her life and the love we shared with this new life I am trying to build.  This will be hard...it will take time...but please don't give up on me.   In time...I may be ready to be the friend you remember...and if you've walked away...I will truly be alone.