Sunday, April 8, 2012
2nd Time Around
Easter was the first holiday without Susan that rolled over me last year...and as I write tonight...it is knocking on my door a second time around. Although this year is different than last...it's also very much the same this time around.
The emptiness of hiding eggs alone...the confusion of wanting to create a special memory for my boys without their Mom...the disbelief that this is what life has dealt us.
So how is this year different?
Surprisingly...I was much more on top of things last Easter...baskets ready...eggs dyed...camera set up. But not this time. Today I was scrambling around...finishing up everything at the very last possible minute.
I think the explanation is quite simple. Last year at this time I was numb...in shock...unaware of what my reality really was...or was going to be. Honestly...I just kind of soldiered through it without making sense of what was happening. But this time around that magical cloud of protection is gone.
I wasn't ready this year because I was putting off the inevitable...celebrating as a family of only three...and accepting that we must go on without her.
So it's roughly midnight the night before Easter as I'm typing away at my table...and I'm wondering how tomorrow will play itself out...wondering how this second time around will be...but not just tomorrow...I'm wondering about each day of this second time around.