The Pool

Who would have thought a pool in Iowa...could flood me with memories...and sadness.

We stopped halfway to Colorado...a random Iowa town...just this side of Nebraska.  I picked a place with a pool...because the boys love the water...we had been in a car all day...and a pool sounded good.

It wasn't actually good...both literally and figuratively.

The water smelled  a little like a sponge...after it's been around too long...and the water was a little too murky for my liking.

But as always my boys dove in...head first.  I instead chose to sit back and play lifeguard...to watch them...to observe them.  I do this quite often at our neighborhood pool.  I watch them smile and splash...their faces filled with joy.  It never ceases to amaze me how they can live...despite Susan's death...especially since I still can't do it myself.

Today was different...my eyes wandered further...past my children.  Looking toward others...couples...families...so many satisfied lives.

It started off okay...just another Dad and me.  He was pissed at his daughters...because they wouldn't get out of the pool.  Secretly I thought..."Poor bastard...he's miserable."  Then she walked in...his wife...and like a tag team...they switched roles.  I knew instantly what was happening...they were sharing the load...sharing the joy...sharing the parenting.  He kissed her and walked off...because it was his turn to unwind.  She was refreshed...and laughed off all that had made him scowl.

I remember that...I loved that.  Parenting as a team...living as a couple...knowing when the other needed a moment.  Sadness hit...because it was gone.

All day today it was gone.  Seven hours we drove...with me constantly having to pee.  There was no partner to sit in the car with the sleeping boys...as my coffee kicked in.  Even the simple act of a bathroom break has been stolen from me.  So from Iowa City to Des Moines...I drove crossed legged and biting the insides of my cheeks...until Benny finally rose from sleep.

As I contemplated this thought...I watched two parents walk in with two tiny boys.  The oldest maybe two years old and the other nine months at the most.  I instantly flashed back to water park trips with Sue and the boys.  I saw the happiness in their eyes...as they each swam...with their own boy. Each playing...engaging...loving a boy.  But they kept glancing at one another...as if to say, "Watch him do this" or "Did you see that?"

I remember that...I loved that.  Sharing in each new adventure...every new first our boys took.  Then sadness hit...because it's gone.

All day it was gone.  We finally stopped in Des Moines...and what did Benny do?  He belted himself into his car seat.  So silly I know...but...oh how long we had waited.  She missed it...never able to see it...to applaud it...to revel in the fact that she would never have to do it again.  So I praised him...Luke high fived him...but as I drove...I knew she would have celebrated him...as only Susan could do.

As my eyes started to mist...I saw an older couple walk in.  They drifted past me...hand in hand...smile in smile...heart in heart.  Obviously here just for them...enjoying their love...their partner.  They sat not twenty feet away from me...without talking...not in silence...but in company.  You could sense a feeling of been there...done that.  But you could also see the love of two people...who had shared a life...who knew each other...inside and out.

I remember hoping for that...I was going to love that.  Sharing our stories...every turn our lives had taken...each sorrow and every celebration.  Then sadness hit...because it's gone.