I have been feeling extremely ashamed of a recent post I wrote. As I read it over...again and again...it seems so very desperate...so needy. It makes me feel weak and uncertain.
But I promised myself when I started this...that if I posted it...it would stay. No erasing...no deleting. No pretending it wasn't felt. This is most likely why I have posted just over 50 pieces, but have just as many saved as drafts on my computer.
Some are too raw, some are too harsh, some are too angry and some are just for me. Still others remain incomplete because I am not ready yet to face all the emotions they create. I know this...so they sit...so they wait...until I'm ready to try again.
When I posted Emotionally Naked it was exactly how I felt...but perhaps another night it would have remained unshared. However, that was where I was...when I pressed post...and perhaps that may have been the point.
Maybe I haven't been as honest as I think. Hiding some feelings that I'm too scared to speak.
I only know a few who have walked this path I pace. So at that moment...in that space...I tried to reach out for what I felt could be replaced.
I meant no harm...to those that read my ramblings. I just felt so empty and needed some sharing.
Thank you to those who never judge...thank you to those who reach out and don't hold a grudge. Your words and journey help me at night...to make it through...to a place where I will eventually see some light.
NEVER apologize and don't feel like you have to explain yourself. You are grieving, and so very few know what it is like to be in your shoes. The rest of us appreciate the window into your heart. At some pointing our lives, we will ALL pbe in a position of grieving. Your blog not only reminds us of what you are struggling to grasp, but it also prepares us in a way for the inevitable we will all face, as well as gives us permission to feel its weight fully.
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AMR
You have no reason that I can see to be apologizing. And even though I know it seems like you are so alone in this process, you are far from alone. No one can understand your pain, because its yours. Never apologize for saying what was on your heart my friend. Keep writing if it helps, and say it how it is.
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