Valentine’s Day…we were warming up for an easy game…everyone was loose…including me. Then I heard someone calling me…Sean...your wife...she doesn't sound good.
She was on the phone…startled, but calm all at once. She said it would be okay…stay for the game. I refused…she insisted…I jumped in my car. Halfway home...I got the call…they are taking me in an ambulance, but I’m okay…I’m on my way.
Waiting in the ER for her…not knowing anything. Brought into the hallway...she was smiling…in a wheelchair with an IV…this is just so silly…so sorry…it’s nothing.
In the ER all night…everything ruled out…one diagnosis after another…can we just go home…I'm fine...I miss the guys. We’re staying…we need to find out.
Four in the morning…still not in a room...she says...we’re leaving. I talk to the nurses…magically we are admitted. But no one is concerned…no heart monitor…no machines...nothing. Just the two of us in a room...sleeping. She woke me at six…go get the boys…take Luke to school….see you soon.
Ben and I are back by nine…stress tests are done…nurses and doctors are laughing about how hard she had to run...just to get her heart rate up. There’s nothing wrong they say. She’s fine…she's so healthy. We just have to wait…wait to be released.
The wait lasts all day…finally released at five…thirteen hours after entering that room….twenty-five hours after arriving at that hospital. The doctor assures us she is fine…nothing to lose sleep over. We jump at the chance to believe it…we want to think the best. She has to be okay…she’s mine…and she’s so healthy. Just a minor scare…the doctor says…see me for a follow up...when you can...and she walks out the door.
We return home…she smothers the boys with love…apologizes over and over about all the fuss. I keep saying it was right to go…now we know...better to know it’s nothing. What if you didn’t go and it was something?
She laughs it off…we both do. We hug and kiss…and joke that I made her heart race on Valentine’s Day. She calls some friends and talks of how embarrassed she is…all this over nothing.
I stay home the next day…still worried...just enough...that it could have been something. Finally she urges me back to work…and everything seems to fall back into place. I work and coach…she takes care of the boys and our home. The worries fade from our heads...as our life starts again.
Over the next week…we all have a special moment with her…first me…then Luke…then Ben. On Thursday night she rocks Luke to sleep…she hadn’t in years. She holds him and won’t let go. He lays asleep in her lap as I finish Ben’s costume for a preschool show. The following day she catches a late morning nap with Benny…they snuggle…and hug…and Eskimo kiss...their special thing.
That Friday…I finish off my day…feeling good…thinking of spending the night with her and the boys…but first I stop off at the mall. She had been pushing me all year to treat myself…because she thought I worked so hard. On this day…I feel just good enough to do what she said…treat yourself.
In the end…I don’t…I decide to leave the store. Walking through the mall…I get the call. The woman on the other end is startled, but calm all at once…but this time it’s not her. I make the same terrifying drive down the highway…live through the same anxious wait outside the ER…but this time she isn’t waiting…she isn't smiling…she isn't blushing in a wheelchair.
She’s laying down…she's cold…she's gone. This night there’s no diagnosing…just apologizing…we did all we could. Perhaps that night they did…but what about nine days before?
I am so sorry, I so feel your pain, He would NEVER go to the Dr., I had to trick him. He would blow it off, say it was nothing. A couple months before I had to tell my friend, if he is not going to worry about himself, I can't worry enough for the both of us. I wish I had worried more. The guilt of not pushing haunts me... if I had nagged a little more would he still be here? You are in my thoughts frequently, I hope you are doing the best you can each day, as I am.
ReplyDelete