Broken

Over the past few days...I have been feeling truly broken.

The beginning of the school year, the house hold tasks, raising two young boys and missing my best friend have finally caught up with me.

Since August...I have been a gust of "get it done" energy. In survival mode...I washed...I rushed...I cleaned...I did it all...in order to survive the everyday obstacles of raising two young boys...alone.

While surviving...I toughed it out...not just with the housekeeping, but with the feelings deep in my heart and my mind.  I pushed past approaching moments of grief as I felt them creep up on me...so I could raise my boys...teach my class...and take care of my home.  

But as Autumn appeared over my shoulder...that energy dissipated...and was replaced with so many emotions I had put aside while trying to survive each day without her.  She rushed back into my mind as the leaves began to take on the color of her beauty.

Fall was her season...it suited her...full of color, cool breezes and contrast.  But there is an emptiness in it now.  A missing radiance...a dulled brilliance.  She is gone...and nothing can replace her spirit...her laugh...her love.

I spent Tuesday night pleading with God to give her back to me...if only for a moment. For one last laugh...touch...or kiss.  But he denied me.  So I curled into a heap...cradled myself...and sobbed...as if crying would get me what I longed for.

There was no sleep to be had as I watched the hours tumble into morning.

Up all night...and nothing had changed...she was gone.  The pleading...the begging...had made no difference.

As I stared at the clock...I listened to my boys breathe in their sleep...and realized I was utterly alone.

There was no Susan...no arms to soothe my pain...no whispers to ease my mind.

The only one who could guide me through this fall...was the one I was so desperately missing...the one I couldn't stop seeking...the one whose beauty I had seen in the grace of the falling autumn leaves.