Ghost...

I feel like an observer...almost outside of myself...watching...unable to speak.

My eyes see differently now...I notice things...because I talk less...which forces me to watch and listen.

I'm changed...not comfortable in my own skin at times...not comfortable with my new self most of the time.

So I watch...I listen...I try to stay invisible, but slightly felt.

I imagine this is how a ghost feels.  Floating in and out of life...no longer feeling a part of this world anymore, but wanting others to feel my presence.

I feel detached from others like a soul leaving it's body...except I didn't disappear...I'm here...a mere illusion of my former self...stuck inside my own mind...trying to function in my body...but in limbo.

Never have I blamed others...because on most days...I stop myself from living.   People naturally react differently to me now....I force this on them with nervous glances, hesitation, and uneasy smiles.  Friends are just mirroring my actions...acting as I do...looking for clues from me...but I'm looking for the same clues in them...which leaves us both lost.

For my benefit...some try to act like nothing has changed...I appreciate this...but when I can't or won't act that way...it becomes obvious to me that everything has changed...and I fear that I'm pushing them away by not being my former self.

I really don't want to be a ghost.  I want to live, but I can't remember how...don't know how...or won't allow myself to.  Instead I move through my day...accomplishing what I must...loving my boys...but my intensity, my passion, my spirit...are all gone.  I can feel parts of me begging to live, but I stop them...put them down...hide them...repress them. Sometimes to the point of guilt if life spills out of me for a brief moment.

I don't want to grieve my life away...but to move forward feels like an injustice to Susan...a desecration of our love.  How do I reconcile this...move past this...accept this?  Love doesn't disappear in death, but life goes on.....how do I?