Last Picture

Clown Day at Preschool...We stayed up late on Thursday night making a clown costume for him.   Together...a team...her and me. It's what we did...what I always thought we would do together.

I guess he liked it...never got to see his reaction in person...gone to work by the time he awoke.  I hated missing things like that.

Susan was always good about trying to make me feel like I was there when I couldn't be.  She sent me this picture...last e-mail I got.  I just replied...Thanks that made me smile so big.   

Just like she made him smile in this last photo.  It's hard to look at this...to realize she is making him laugh because she is full of life...and hours later he will be crying because she's not.

I stare at it and wonder what she was saying.  I would give anything to have that one last full day with her...to know what happened. How she spent it...who she talked to...what she said.

Anything to understand her day.  But what I have is this final photo on our camera, some fuzzy memories of a four and six year old and a few e-mails she sent...all happy...all funny...all her.

It's ironic, but on that Thursday night we sat in bed and talked for about an hour before we fell asleep.  We talked about how I needed to get up for work earlier...she was tired of me rushing in the morning.  I kept explaining that I just loved the feeling of waking up next to her...how our feet and legs tangled together as we both shook off sleep.  But I promised I would try to be better.

That morning I woke twenty minutes early...so early she was still in the haze of sleep.  I kissed her three times...said I love you...and left as she rolled over.  I know she heard, but I wish I had that twenty minutes back...I would have said so much more...

Luke & Ben

They don't know what could have been...

They don't understand what should have been...

Her Flame

We made a home out of our love...
It exploded with joy...

You could feel it...
As you walked through our door...

That love was her...
There was a sense...a happiness...

A feeling...that fell on all of us...
Of firsts...not lasts...

Everything is changed...
We simmer now...

Waiting to boil over...to explode again...
But there is no flame to ignite it...

Longing (with Lyrics) - Eels - Hombre Lobo

Threshold

I feel like I've crossed a Threshold...the pain is different now.   In the beginning I had the security of being numb...that's gone.  Reality shows it's face more often...the awe has worn down...not away, but down.

The shock froze me in the first month...it was cold...it kept me paralyzed.  Slowly it has thawed...and with it the magical thinking of her returning and my denial have melted away. I'm left now with the absoluteness of her death.  She's gone...not for a run...not for work...not for the day...not for the night...forever.

There won't be another touch...another smile...another glance...another whisper...another shared moment.

I'm much more aware of her absence...I feel the pain more intensely now...it can't be denied any longer.

The shock was a protection.  I was feeling sorrow for longer periods in the beginning, but not with this intensity...because I was numb.

The pain was a mile long and an inch deep...now it's a inch long and a mile deep.  I have longer breaks between grief waves, but now they strike like a tsunami...quick and powerful and devastating.

Some days I'm still provided with the blissful ignorance of shock.  It happens for short moments...second long snapshots...where I think I hear her...or something happens and I can't wait to tell her.

But in the end...I'm left with my thoughts...my memories...and the confusion of this new life I'm trying to accept...trying to understand...trying to make work.  Someday it will feel different...but not today.

My Brain is Off

My brain is off.

I can't seem to remember even the simplest things...or the most important ones.

I jump from task to task...starting a lot...but finishing little.

My energy runs from kinetic to lethargic within the same minute.

My ups are industrious...but short lived.

My downs are listless...and repetitive.

I want to find a medium...a balance...but every time I feel close...the scales tip.

My brain is off...but my life is on...and I can't keep up.

Our Balls

If you knew Susan...you know why she would have loved this...

Random Conversation on Our Driveway Tonight.

Ben:  Luke give me my ball back!

Luke:  Why???

Ben:  My ball is better than yours...

Luke:  It's not a NBA ball...

Ben:  Yours either...

Luke:  Mine says NBA on it!

Me:  Stop fighting....please guys...stop...

Ben:  Why?!?  We're just talkin' about our balls!

EELS - Little Bird - from END TIMES - out now!

Sometimes songs say it better than I can...goddamn...I miss that girl...

112 Days

People tell me it's only been three months...give yourself time...

It's been 112 days.  

How can you go a 112 days without the person you shared the last 12 years with?

112 days without sharing a goodnight kiss...

112 days without sharing a good laugh...

112 days without sharing our joys...

112 days without sharing our boys...

112 days without sharing the workload...

112 days without sharing the stress.... 

112 days without sharing...even one...with the woman I love...

My Oldest

My boys are four and seven...but they are older now.

My oldest is wise beyond my understanding.  In many ways he has become my partner in this journey.

At first, I was scared of the pressure on him...to prop me up at times...to understand I wasn't angry...just frustrated...not at him...but at our new life.

He holds up my younger son as well...comforting...explaining...leading...


I see his mother in his tender touch as he soothes his brother through sadness...
I see his mother in his eyes when he looks to guide me in my moments of madness...


He senses my loneliness...he aches for me at times...and with me at others...
He doesn't know when it will hit...so he watches over me...he hovers...


He tries to fill her absence...always there...
He learned from her...to be full of care...


My oldest helps us cope...
As we wait for hope...


I hope it's not too much for one little man to do...
Oh Luke...so special...we live because of you...

Mom's Purse

Dad...I just want to look in Mommy's purse again...Can I?


Dad...did you throw it away?


No...


Can I see it?

Luke...it's empty now...

Why?

I don't know....it just happened...

I want to see in her purse again...

I know...I do too...

Susan

I miss her...

That Look

It needs a name...


It's pity...

It's fright...

It's trepidation...

It's fear...


It's sorrow...

It's angst...

It's apprehension...

It's shock...


It happens everyday...

Follow The Leaders

I watch them up close...
And in the distance...

As they cry...as they think of her...as they miss her...
As they grieve...

And as they play...as they smile...as they laugh...
As they live...


My boys grieve in small glimpses...
And live for long moments...

I grieve for long moments...
And live in small glimpses...

I'm trying to follow their lead...
In time my boys and I will walk together...

But for now I will travel behind them...
Trying to catch up each day...

Flowers and Light

There are some people getting seriously rich off my ass...

Since Susan's death I have found myself buying flowers, plants and candles with abandon...trying to surround myself with life and hope.



My house is filled on the inside with plants and fresh cut flowers...decorated on the outside with flowers of her favorite color...yellow...they represent life to me.

I don't feel alive without her by my side...so I surround myself with life...anything to make me feel she is near.

I plant...I cut...I water...I try to find some life in myself through these flowers and plants.



My home is constantly filled with light.  In my mind light represents hope.  My shades are never drawn during the day and a candle always burns brightly at night.

I simply can't close my shades...I need the light...I need the hope.

My neighbors are getting a show from my bedroom window after I shower or when I change my clothes.

But I simply don't care. 

I need the light in that room more than anywhere.  It's is the hardest place to be in our house...it was our place.



I need hope that someday I will nuture the life in me...the way I do in those flowers.

And that I will find hope shining bright in my life...in the same way it rises each day.

This is life

So this is life?

I want to pull it all apart...and put it back together....

But this is life...

Ghost...

I feel like an observer...almost outside of myself...watching...unable to speak.

My eyes see differently now...I notice things...because I talk less...which forces me to watch and listen.

I'm changed...not comfortable in my own skin at times...not comfortable with my new self most of the time.

So I watch...I listen...I try to stay invisible, but slightly felt.

I imagine this is how a ghost feels.  Floating in and out of life...no longer feeling a part of this world anymore, but wanting others to feel my presence.

I feel detached from others like a soul leaving it's body...except I didn't disappear...I'm here...a mere illusion of my former self...stuck inside my own mind...trying to function in my body...but in limbo.

Never have I blamed others...because on most days...I stop myself from living.   People naturally react differently to me now....I force this on them with nervous glances, hesitation, and uneasy smiles.  Friends are just mirroring my actions...acting as I do...looking for clues from me...but I'm looking for the same clues in them...which leaves us both lost.

For my benefit...some try to act like nothing has changed...I appreciate this...but when I can't or won't act that way...it becomes obvious to me that everything has changed...and I fear that I'm pushing them away by not being my former self.

I really don't want to be a ghost.  I want to live, but I can't remember how...don't know how...or won't allow myself to.  Instead I move through my day...accomplishing what I must...loving my boys...but my intensity, my passion, my spirit...are all gone.  I can feel parts of me begging to live, but I stop them...put them down...hide them...repress them. Sometimes to the point of guilt if life spills out of me for a brief moment.

I don't want to grieve my life away...but to move forward feels like an injustice to Susan...a desecration of our love.  How do I reconcile this...move past this...accept this?  Love doesn't disappear in death, but life goes on.....how do I?