A Year

I'm no longer able to measure in mere months...

I have passed each first...although I have surely not conquered them all.  Every year they will rear their ugly faces again.  But perhaps as the years pass they will become less intense...little by little they may slowly fade...like a scar that loses it's harsh appearance over time.

In certain ways...I'm glad the year has finally come.  Although I recognized there would be no magical epiphany on the morning of the twenty-sixth...and I was cognizant that I wouldn't be reborn or suddenly awakened...I did hope the passing of a year would bring some relief to my mind.

I had become exhausted by my self imposed timelines and deadlines...and so weary of being a headline.  The calendar year has held so much anticipation and anxiety...I was often unable to catch my breath between dates.  Many times I was overwhelmed by expectations...and my own revelations.

But the passing of calendar days alone will not bring the change I desire in my life.

So I know my healing and growth will go on...just as it has in this last year.  I will remain awake and persistent in facing the loss of Susan without hiding...or running...or trying to keep busy. I will acknowledge my steps forward and accept the tumbles back as I have before...but no longer will I allow circled dates or my definition of time to hold me captive.

Eventually life will once again happen...and without time holding me down...it might be closer than I imagine.