Every so often...I feel like I'm falling.
It's similar to the sensation you have in deep sleep...when you unexpectedly take a misstep. Perhaps you were dreaming of some fantastic or even ordinary event...and everything was going smoothly. But suddenly you foot lunges out...and drops. And you're left reaching for a footing that is no longer there.
This sensation has begun happening to me lately. But I'm awake...and it's not my foot that misses a step. It's my heart that loses ground...and begins to plummet.
I could be making dinner and all is going well. Then as I reach to open the refrigerator...my eyes suddenly meet hers in a picture hanging on the door. And there it is...my unexpected misstep...my heart collapses.
All at once...I am abruptly reminded of Susan's death...not that I could ever forget. But as time has passed...I have been forced to engage in life...because I am still here...and because my boys need me. So I have been moving...finishing what needs to be done...and unwillingly playing the hand I have been dealt.
So now instead of living with her death draped over my every thought...I'm simply shot periodically in the chest by it. Knocked off my feet...and forced to try and stand again after some unsuspecting item or experience reminds me of her absence.
I wonder when this sensation will stop...or if it will?
It's a strange condition
I know the feeling, music does that to me and before I know it a memmory pops out of nowhere and makes me very sad and I used to love to listen to music. I hope someday it will get better Rita
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great post...we ALL feel that "knocked off my feet sensation." They get further and further apart, but I still sometimes have moments when I think, "Wait. Did that really happen??"
ReplyDeleteYou are such a great writer and I would love it if you would consider posting your blog in The Widdahood Post on www.theWiddahood.com. It's so hard to find widowers who express themselves as well as you do. But I know that so many of them would benefit from what you have to say.
If you're interested, just email me at catherine@thewiddahood.com and I'll get you all set up. Hope to hear from you soon!
Best to you,
Catherine
Sean, none of us can figure out how you're doing it, making each new step. Bless you. We hold you in our hearts as well. A friend once said about losing someone you love so much that you never, ever "get over it". You simply get used to it.
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