I thought it would start on Halloween. I had anticipated the worst. But as the days went by...it really didn't seem so awful. There was just enough down time between the 31st and Thanksgiving Day to fool me into believing I was going to be fine...I was going to be able to handle the season.
But this past week crashed down on me.
I'm never surprised...just never quite prepared.
Earlier in the month the boys and I celebrated Susan's Birthday as a way of remembering how much she had brought to our lives. But trying to celebrate my Birthday yesterday was a reminder of how much I will be missing her in my life as each year passes...a reminder of what the boys will miss...a reminder of what she will never experience.
Last week brought a slew of memories...
Not just Holidays and celebrations...but reminders of how we tackled everything...together.
My School Conferences came and went...But the ease in which we got through those two days was gone. The days and nights were hectic...difficult...and dreadful. The boys didn't see me at all on Monday...they rose from bed to others and were put to bed by someone else. Not what we planned...not what we struggled the last 12 years for...
Ben agonized through the week with strep throat...a cold...an allergic reaction to medicine...and pink eye. With every minute I stayed up caring for him...through coughing, crying and fever...I was reminded of how Sue and I worked through the hard times together...with a touch of a smile and a wink of our eyes.
Even when life was hard...we had each other to lean on...to hold...to love.
As the air gets colder...and the nights get longer...I find myself struggling. I want to live...live for her...live for the boys. I want to do this with every ounce of my body. But all I can do is think of what lies ahead in the next few months...Christmas...New Year's Eve...Our Anniversary...Valentine's Day...and the day that will mark a year since she last held me.
Since it has been just over a year since I last was able to hold my husband I understand how you feel. In someways I am grateful for having the holidays immediately after after his passing so I had others to help me through it. I am however dreading this year, being not so numb... but I did it once, I will do it again.
ReplyDeleteI also understand the frustration of now doing it alone. He worked so I only did as much or as little as I wanted. I now have to not only provide a source of income for the kids, but every aspect of comfort when they are ill... and it makes it especially tough when you are worried about work, school, where they can go...
I think the biggest comfort I can find is what you said... they want us to succeed, they know we can get through this... even when we would rather not.
Oh Sean. I literally think I can feel some of your pain through your words. This is so unfair and again, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. So little comfort, I know...
ReplyDeletexoxo
AMR