'Tis the Season?

I thought it would start on Halloween.  I had anticipated the worst.  But as the days went by...it really didn't seem so awful.  There was just enough down time between the 31st and Thanksgiving Day to fool me into believing I was going to be fine...I was going to be able to handle the season.

But this past week crashed down on me.

I'm never surprised...just never quite prepared.

Earlier in the month the boys and I celebrated Susan's Birthday as a way of remembering how much she had brought to our lives.  But trying to celebrate my Birthday yesterday was a reminder of how much I will be missing her in my life as each year passes...a reminder of what the boys will miss...a reminder of what she will never experience.

Last week brought a slew of memories...

Not just Holidays and celebrations...but reminders of how we tackled everything...together.

My School Conferences came and went...But the ease in which we got through those two days was gone.  The days and nights were hectic...difficult...and dreadful.  The boys didn't see me at all on Monday...they rose from bed to others and were put to bed by someone else.  Not what we planned...not what we struggled the last 12 years for...

Ben agonized through the week with strep throat...a cold...an allergic reaction to medicine...and pink eye.  With every minute I stayed up caring for him...through coughing, crying and fever...I was reminded of how Sue and I worked through the hard times together...with a touch of a smile and a wink of our eyes.

Even when life was hard...we had each other to lean on...to hold...to love.

As the air gets colder...and the nights get longer...I find myself struggling.  I want to live...live for her...live for the boys. I want to do this with every ounce of my body.  But all I can do is think of what lies ahead in the next few months...Christmas...New Year's Eve...Our Anniversary...Valentine's Day...and the day that will mark a year since she last held me.

Counterweight

Surely grief must have a counterweight...

Be Thankful

What do you give thanks for when your world has come tumbling down around you?

Thanksgiving Dinner was so strange tonight.  The food was delicious...I enjoyed every bit of it.  The company was wonderful...I love my family so much.  But the whole celebration seemed empty...not just in me, but in the room.

It would have been one thing if Susan had been just visibly absent tonight...but it was so much more.

She had always brought the moment with her when she entered a room...and that was absent tonight.  Gone was the laughter...the fun...the love of a girl who simply relished these moments...these times where we shared our thanks for being so lucky.

That luck seemed to have run thin.

The drive home was quiet and reflective.  The boys' heads fell in opposite directions as they nodded off to sleep.  And I drove...staring at the empty passenger seat...the whole way thinking about how she should have been curling up and closing her eyes next to me as I drove.

The word three pounded through my head...as I tried to make sense of how we had become a family of just three.

One at a time, I carried my sleeping boys from the car...to the stairs...and to their beds. Thinking about how we would have been so thankful for this early night.  How we would have spent the next few hours alone...just us two.  Free to be thankful for how lucky we were in each others arms.

Instead...I rambled aimlessly around our house...like a lost old man.

Finally I sat...and forced myself to examine what I have to be thankful for as my world comes tumbling down around me.  I have two boys...full of their mother's love...full of their mother's laughter...full of their mother's compassion...full of their mother's talents.

I'm lucky to have this...but I still wish I had that same luck I was so thankful for nine months ago.

A Plain Page

I start this off without any words...

A plain page...

And the weight of my thoughts.


As I write...

I reveal myself...

and my misery.


These words are the battle I fight to exist...

To live...

And to grow.


As they reach your eyes...

The luxury of ignoring, hiding or running...

Disappears.

Once I have spilled myself onto the page...

It's no longer plain...

It's full of my pain.

I am exposed...

They are out...

It is real.


Words of truth from moments of agony...

And there is no going back...

Only moving forward.


These words roll around in my head...

And I must meet them...

If I choose to tackle my grief.


Obsessively I look back...

Scrutinizing what I have written...

Almost attempting to discriminate between fact and fiction.


Pulling back layers...

In an attempt to peer into my emotions...

From a rational place outside of myself.


They begin to separate from my psyche...

As I attempt to judge them as authentic...

Or as simply an invented paranoia.


These are hours spent analyzing...

What I have said, thought and felt...

And they read like a map.


They acknowledge where I have been...

But more importantly...

Where I intend to go.

What I Have Become...

What I have become...

No one should have to be...


What I have lost...

No one understands but me...

What I have endured...

No one should have to see...

Missing Pieces

It's difficult living as half a puzzle.

I spend everyday feeling so incomplete...so unfinished.

But just eight months ago...I was complete...finished...and happy.

For 26 years I searched for the missing pieces to complete my life...

And I found them in Susan.

Laughter...

Compassion...

Hope...

Acceptance...

Love...

But suddenly they've been knocked off the table...lost.

No matter where I look...

They're missing.

Y

Why?

Happy Birthday

Wish I could tell you Happy Birthday...

Tomorrow

I've been pretty discombobulated this past week...a little crazy to say the least...not insane, but awful close to the line that separates sanity from insanity.  

With Susan's Birthday approaching and the Holidays on the way...I have found the thoughts in my head becoming progressively more distraught, disconnected, desolate and hopeless.  I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst...but I'm still very anxious about tomorrow and the months ahead. 

How does one react to the Birthday of their deceased wife, lover and best friend?  I'm not sure.  Basically I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring in the form of emotions and pain.  And that frightens me to the bone.

It's not a great way to feel...and truthfully it's doing a number on me. I looked into the mirror again today and barely recognized myself.  I appear to be aging by the day...carrying despair in my heart and holding anguish in my eyes.  I can't help searching the reflection for the guy who loved his life and had finally made peace with himself because of his loving wife.  I'm often left wondering why this happened to my family.

And I can't help thinking about what tomorrow could have been.  

I Want to Know....

Feeling so alone tonight...

I want to know if you've ever felt the same way too...


A friend told me to try and push on through...

But I'm so tired of pushing...


All I want is for someone to pull me in...


A friend to hold me and understand where I've been...

But I'm so tired of waiting...


Feeling so alone tonight...

I want to know if you've ever felt the same way too...