I held it off all day, but I should know better by now.
Who am I trying to fool? Certainly not myself.
This sadness has become like an unwanted partner...always trailing me...sneaking up on me...sinking into me...crawling on my skin...absorbing into my mind.
I hate it, but I can't shake it.
It feels like it's here to stay.
Why won't it simply go away?
I don't look for it or seek it out...but I always sense it's near.
Today was a day when I knew it was coming.
But that didn't stop me from trying to ignore it...trying to duck it...trying to play stupid as I felt it gaining on me.
All day I felt sort of numb...lost...and clouded over.
So what's so special about today...about tonight?
Why did I know?
Because the boys start school tomorrow...Benny goes to Kindergarten.
Susan was so anxious and hesitant about this day...the day before her baby become a Kindergartner.
She should be here feeling this with me right now...but she's not...and I'm forced to feel it alone...and try to experience it for two.
You see...Sue and I are nothing, if not sentimental...and this day...this night for Susan...represented a bridge Benny would cross into another part of his life...one Susan will never know...and one Ben will never know with her.
I remember the emotions she had about Luke when he arrived at this day...and I know how she felt about Ben someday following Luke into adolescence...into a time where he would begin losing some of his innocence.
If only I could see her...and talk with her about our little boy.
But I can't...that I'm not allowed.
So I'm left here...to try and play it out in my head...to meet today...tonight...and tomorrow on my own.
Sometimes I think its harder because she was the only one who would really have known your son like you do, like you said the things that only you two could share, and now you have to do it alone. I dont know, have you tried writing to her? Someone recommended to me a while ago to write letters to her, telling her everything you want - then burning them. For me the burning was the important part...I know every day is hard, but the days when something was supposed to be done together, or it was something that she was supposed to do - seem harder. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, Sean. You are right-she should be here and I wish more than anything she was to experience Ben's first days as a kindergartner. I hope he had a great day and that you were able to as well.
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