I walked back into the Hospice that helped my boys and I find the strength to pull ourselves together...
I walked past the lobby I habitually sat in...where I had waited...and thought...and missed her...
I walked down the hallway that still seemed so long...and so unnerving...
I walked into the room where I had first saw others who truly understood...
Because they were living it too...
This time was different...
My counselor...had called the old group back...
Because there was a new group...
But we were all in the same group...a group no one dreams of joining...
This time I was different...
Not fixed...not healed...not the new normal...not all better...
Because that just doesn't happen...
But I was changed...and I could feel it...
Two years ago we had been sitting in those chairs...I could see it in their faces...I could feel it in my heart...
I remembered that look...those feelings...that hopelessness...
I remembered trying to make sense of why my world had been flipped...
I remembered struggling to keep my head above water...but having no idea how to swim...
I remembered feeling so lonely...
Because no one could understand or ever would...
This time was different...
I was supposed to be the one with the answers...
Because I had been through it...and they needed me to be fine...
But it just isn't that easy...
This time I was different...
Not so alone...not so scared...not hoping I would be the same man I had been...
Because I now knew I would never be him again...
But not being able to explain this...
Two years ago I felt so completely alone...not knowing what to do...where to turn...or who could help me...
I cried each and every day...about the past that had slipped through my hands...
I cried not knowing what the future would bring...because every plan I made had died....
I cried about how my life had changed...and what it had become...
I cried until there was nothing left inside...
Because I didn't want to be like this forever....
This time was different...
My life...was changed...but mine again...
Because I had moved from surviving...to thriving...
But I'm still picking up the pieces...
This time I was different...
Not wishing...not waiting...not pleading...not trying to rewind...
Because I am moving forward...
But not leaving her behind...
